Thursday, November 01, 2007

Daycare Do's and Don'ts

Ahh, man...

I knew instantly as she appeared at the door; one, because she came to the back via the wrong side of the house, two, because she was clutching a pad of paper, and three, because she's old and fat and looks like a gramma.
There's no way in hell she's going to register her kid here. I instantly recognize the "my-child-is-gonna-drown" expression, despite the pool is gated TWICE and locked.

I operate an impeccable daycare, safe, clean, bright and airy, fully licensed with all the Health Authority processes in place, yet they still talk the talk, this being they like to discuss how wonderful their last daycare was, how their child is highly intelligent and gifted and do I provide snacks, and what is my curriculum.

Ahh, fuck! Another asshole mom who thinks her 2 year old daughter can pat her head and stomach at the same time, all the while singing Celine Dion, en francais!

I already know what the pad of paper is and it's intent. I've come across it a few times. It's full of questions which, really, serve no purpose because any daycare operator can spew the answers, the ones the parents like to hear, with all the buzz words that provoke a frenzy of note taking:

Q: How long have you been running a daycare?
A: 5 years. Before that I ran a whore house.

Q: I notice you have a pool. Do you go in this area?
A: No, you stupid dweeb. You just walked down the wrong path and I hope you walked through a bunch of spiderwebs.

Q: What is your daily routine.
A: Well, first I take a dump, then brush my teeth....OHhhh, you mean daycare routine. Well now, let's see...
since your child is two we probably will start off with some intricate algebra, maybe trigonometry, then we'll move on to ancient studies.

Q: Who is your backup when you get sick.
A: My husband, and thank God for that because he just got released from prison. Frankly, just between me and you, I can't handle the Mary Jane as well as I could before. And besides, the HeP C seems under control.

Q: I notice you allow the kids to play on the computer. Do you have some sort of block of "bad" websites.
A: Wow, that's a first! No one has ever asked me that question before. Gosh darn, I ensure my daycare kids have access to the best darn porn around, because I know there's lots of real bad ones out there. And, how proud am I, my 4 and 5 year olds actually know how to spell words like: sex, porn, Paris Hilton, and can google just any old "bad" website.

Q: Do you do arts and crafts.
A. Hell, ya! I let them sit in their shitty diapers all day and you should see the cute faces they make when they can't waddle around anymore, how they need to balance themselves as they walk, the dynamics of shit walking is definitely an art...then I make them wipe their own asses, now that's crafty.

Q: Since my daughter is a genius, she's won't be needing to nap in a playpen. Where will she sleep?
A: How the hell should I know! I'm napping.

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