Hairy Scary

So here we are again, facing another long weekend and our usual trip to the hairdressers. Sabrina had her hair layered just a bit more than usual, while I insisted they fix their mistakes from the last trip in.




I find it really annoying they will dye my hair, then streak the hell out of it, then only cut bits and pieces out, followed by an hour of flat ironing, or blow drying. I keep telling them, "I won't be doing this, why are you...can I do this at home?"

They tell me it has to be dried anyways, part of the price I pay. So I'm still a Canadian schmuck and politely agree.

I sit in my uncomfortable, leather chair that has white cotton bleeding out of it. The woman has her crotch pressed against my knee as she leverages herself to tame my hair. And, you know, I'm thinking, oh fuck! not again, but if she starts moaning I'm outta here! This hair style will last until my next shower, which is probably going to be tonight.

Reason: we still seem to have a lice problem.

It's getting on my nerves. Because I own a daycare I am basically informed about lice issues, often sent home notices from the kid's school of outbreaks, yet I feel oddly disgusted that me or my family could get it. We should be immuned by them, shouldn't we? We live in a upper-class sort of area in an executive home, have four bathrooms that cleanse us and keep us pure of trailer trash filth.

Fact is, kids are kids, teenagers have sleepovers, at home or at camp, they style each other's hair and some of Sabrina's friends have questionable hygenic routines. So I buy the lice shampoo stuff that costs about the same price as a case of dry cider, or a 6-pack of Heinekens.

Hubby is extremely embarrassed. L-l-l-l-iiii....bugs.

I've had to buy the stuff a few times now, particularly after one of my previous daycare kids seem to be the carrier, all the time. I remember exactly my first encounter with the buggers. 3-year old was standing at the window, looking out towards a promising afternoon play in the yard, as the sun nestled down upon his brow, it struck me eerily how his crew cut seemed to be moving.

I look closer and discover little critters running here, there and I was so disgusted and freaked out by it. I checked the internet first to confirm what lice look like. I had no idea. Seems there's a lot of lice and shapes and breeds and sticky eggs and, just really gross up close pictures.

I managed to pick one off his head and put it in a sandwich baggy and passed it off to another customer to form her analysis. She happened to be a Vancouver Police Officer, who had no experience with lice, but extremely knowledgeable about scabies. Oh, fuck! What in the hell are scabies? I'll tell you what it is, it's another goggle search of gross pictures.

Anyways, I don't feel all that disgusted by lice anymore. It seems to be a natural thing that occurs at daycares, at school, amongst teenagers. So hubby and I go to Safeway to buy "the shampoo". Hubby won't even say the word.

I'm standing at the pharmacy counter because the lice shampoo is hidden behind bars, away from five-finger Mary. I think people won't take care of the problem because they're too embarrassed to ask for the LICE SHAMPOOOOOOO.

Hubby is standing nearby, pretending to buy condoms or some manly thing and I suddenly find myself in a long, winded detail of our current situation with the pharmacist, who's of asian descent and needs several translations of my english.

Weeee....Need...to buy.....shampooooo....FOR LICE...

You have the lice?

No, I lie. My daughter does.

And possibly my son....maybe my husband.

In my best apologetic voice of explaining, which instinctively makes my voice rise a few decibels and in one heaving breath, "We have THE LICE, we just bought this stuff a few weeks ago, why isn't it working? I think I might be doing it wrong. Is my daughter's hair too thick, too long...we do a lot of camping, you know."

Pharmacist: Did you perform a second treatment after 7 days.

7 Days!!! Isn't that, like, The Ring, the movie. I will kill you after 7 days. Look, I'm about to kill someone myself. I'm tired of these critters invading my life. But more annoyed that hubby is hiding behind Depends napkins and Polygrip.

Yes, Mr. Pharmacist, I ....would....like...to buy....some LICE SHAMPOO....the real good stuff.....the...one...with...the nice....LICE COMB THING....that will go through....my daughter's hair easily......

AND BETTER MAKE THAT.....TWO BOTTLES.....WE'VE GOT A HELL OF AN INFESTATION AT MY HOUSE....

Oh, hey....there's my husband over there...come on over honey, look see what I'm buying....