Fear and Loathing in Surrey

We just have to do it.

We live in a big, beautiful house. We've gardened it, we've pampered it and took care of it, we've cherished it. Christmas decorations are blinding and Halloween decor screams of ownership pride.

But we just have to do it. We need to get out of here. We live in a city with grandeous plans and promises, by fixing one end of a piss ass area known as Whalley, scattering their drugs and whores to my end of town. It has raging crime and car theft and prostitutes who now parade themselves outside the doors of my local home hardware store.

All city council did was move the problem to another section of town, and they pat themselves on their backs and give themselves another fucking raise because they reduced the ugly eyesore of Whalley. And by reducing, I mean by building highrises and unaffordable condos that are snapped up by foreign investors who could care less about my City, to rent to DINKS (double income no kids) so that they can sip their brandy while viewing the mighty Fraser River.

My sister thinks we want to move because of fucktard next door. But that is not the case. Every time we go camping and we see Mt.Baker on the rise, we know we are getting away from the bowels of Surrey. The most stupid city in the world who banned casinos, much needed monies we could have snapped up, like all the municipalities that seem to have cleaner streets, nicer recycle bins, just something more appealing than scattered and confused Surrey: used, pedophile capital of the world, sikh capital, car theft capital. Nice, eh?

Air India bombing, yep...Surrey residents, and killings after killings. Garbage bin divers, buggy pushers, peddlers, pissers. And every once in a while you get a nice little neighbourhood with nice houses. My house. But you won't find my house because it's dead centre of chaos and mismanagement and signs pointing to 'heritage sites' or 'protect our salmon' or 'USA next exit' or 'population: 1 million stupid idiots'

We want to move to Chilliwack, the city where we go camping on it's lakes, where we shop in brand new shiny stores, where there are mountain vistas and lakeside villas. We need to get into that market now, asap, as this little sleepy town is becoming the 'Summer Whistler'. And we all know how Whistler is doing! It's so damned expensive there it costs a buck to fart tax, clean air initiative.

But Chilliwack has it's drawbacks, too. My sister reminds me "they're building a nuclear plant in Sumas, OMG!" So what. Cheap electricity will be available to both sides of the border. And there is truly a "clean air initiative" in place between Canada and USA due to the proximity of each town.

Cow shit. You will be smelling that for a few months, then after a while you get "use't-it, by golly". And, of course, the Vancouver pollution that lingers in the valley, creating a romantic English fog, but apparently it rains a lot here, cleaning the skies until the next oil spill in Burnaby, or forest fire, or any other environmental hazards that occur in B.C.

Religious capital of, not only Canada, but of North America. There are more churches and bible thumpers here in this sleepy town than head lice on Britney Spear's head....wha! you didn't know that, why else would she chop it all off. Okay, I made that up, but you get my drift. I figure, if it's not anywhere near Bountiful, British Columbia, we're doing just fine. And besides, I don't mind telling Christian folk to fuck off...

There are many new home builds here, many older style homes with acreage and hobby farms. We will take our time, not look just yet, until we sell our house first. So begins another milestone in the lives of Colleen, hubby and kidlens. We purchased this house almost 9 years ago for 270. Neighbour last year sold for 560. Other neighbour had a recent appraisal, 650. I want 700 for mine.

And I want to buy a nice one in Chilliwack for a ridiculous price. And then sit, and wait, and wait for the Hong Kong investors.