Suddenly

I felt safe.  That's the last thing I remember.  Being safe, secure and in control.  When I opened my eyes I realized I was floating horizontal and just inches away from rock bottom.  My knees banged against the rocks, the branches and twigs.  It was a sunny, hot day and I felt safe in the gentleness of it's summer.

We purchased two huge inner tubes, huge.  Not baby floaty type toys you take to the neighbourhood swimming pool. No. We tied those mean action drifters from an army surplus store with water ski rope lines, a case of beer and our two young kids.

We cast away into the middle of the river like everyone else.  Our cars neatly parked in the middle of no where, in the dusty heat of forest fire embers.  Daniel tied the lines, and we would float in pairs along the other pairs of families holidaying in the wilderness.  Our agenda is to drift downstream, maybe catch white foam, an eagle, possibly a bear.  All I want is calm and to get drunk.  Maybe a tan.

Suddenly.

As I was pushed downstream the salmon drifted with me, eye to eye, watching me tumble in the river's current.  I gasped for air left and right and he followed me.  His gills kept pace with my heartbeat, swallowing air until I reached the beaver dam, when my foot caught in twisted branches and caged me in the soup of mountain's thaw.  The water is transparent and I can see the sky and clouds outline dead trees floating above me.

By now I haven't breathed in 20 seconds, possibly more.  My head spins and jerks in the watery turmoil, and I gain 10 seconds of air here, another 5 seconds there.  I am wearing a life jacket that keeps my torso afloat, my shoulders, my arms, but it doesn't save my airway.  I fight to keep my head up high in only inches of angry river.  I am searching for the salmon.

I am pulled down deeper.  How deep can this river go.  How deep before I drown and am lost forever.  My hands catch rock but they are slippery and I can't hold on.  They are so fucking slippery!  Branches.  I catch branches and they are so slippery.  How deep do I have to go before I am forgiven and remember to jump up.

"MOM". Over and over again.  "Mom, jump!".  I hear faint sounds.  I look up for one more breath towards the picnic sky and birthday party bubbles, I look up and she is blowing me kisses.  I grasp her last kiss and return to summer.